Where's the Pot of Gold?

My first big role in college was the part of Angelica in Moliere's The Imaginary Invalid. It was between me and another girl, who had already played a leading role on the mainstage last year, and who, when she read for the role, had me rolling on the floor laughing. I didn't think I had a prayer.

The morning after the play had been cast, I went to my Acting II class, taught by the director of the play and in which the other girl was a classmate. "Any questions about the auditions?" the director posed to the class. "Yeah," came a response from behind me, "why didn't I get the part?" Guess who that was? "Well....it wasn't anything that you did wrong," the director answered. "It was that Toni did it more right."

It must have sucked hearing that.

I've learned since then that "doing it more right" doesn't just apply to theatre; rather, it applies to any aspect of life. Who hasn't heard about the guy who ran umpteen miles a day and then drops dead of a heart attack? Or the millions of folks trying to apply for a job in these "tough economic times" only to get a rejection letter? Or someone who loves another, gives that person room to breathe, is their biggest fan, accepts their faults, and is compatible with them both intellecutally and physically only to STILL spend her evenings alone?

So what do you do, after you build a healthy lifestyle, or that perfect resume, or become the ideal counterpart to another person, only to find out that, while you did nothing wrong, that does not mean that you're going to get what you want? You still have to suffer with health problems, grief, rejection, pain, loneliness. And you get to watch others around you run marathons, go to work, raise a family while you sit there and wonder why that didn't get to happen to you.

I know it can be worse. I KNOW that. I am not talking about when someone or something is suddenly taken from you for no apparent reason. Shitty things happen to people. I didn't want to lose my mother at age 29 or my car radio one rainy evening on the corner of U and 14th, but those events in my life were beyond my control. My point is that in order to achieve anything of reasonable satisfaction, greatness, etc., effort is involved. Usually a lot of it. Usually there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So it's a huge kick in the teeth when the pot turns out to be empty.

I promised myself I wouldn't air a lot of personal issues in this blog. I mean, good grief: who doesn't have issues to deal with--I'm not any different or better than anyone else. But I gotta tell you--I'm at a loss here. The white flag is in my hand and I'm getting ready to wave it. For the most part, my "version of life" provides me with answers. I find myself extremely lucky in that regard. But right now, I've got nothing. Literally and figuratively. I'm stumped: I don't know what I'm missing. I don't know what I don't do "more right."

Maybe it's time to start getting some more cats.